Madrid, Spain — In a dramatic turn of events during yesterday’s friendly match, Real Madrid midfielder Carlos Martinez was stretchered off the field after suffering a severe paper cut from opening his pre-game lineup sheet. Sources confirmed the cut was deep enough to require a bandage and extensive rest, ruling Martinez out for three weeks. Fans gasped as he writhed in pain, clutching his hand, while medical staff rushed to the scene.
“We’ve seen worse injuries, but none quite so harrowing,” said the team’s doctor, who prescribed light cardio and minimal exposure to stationery during the recovery period.
Martinez, known for his resilience and tactical mind, was visibly distraught as he left the field, later posting an Instagram story thanking fans for their support and asking them to ‘stay safe around loose sheets of paper.’
Rival fans, however, were less sympathetic. “It’s the world’s softest sport for a reason,” one Arsenal supporter tweeted. “Maybe next time he should wear gloves.”
Moreover, other soccer stars are now reporting off-field injuries, in one case, over a horrifying skin irritation after shaving, each with more dramatic fervor than the last, and many are now fully swooning to near unconsciousness from the pain as they are hefted into ambulances and put on paid recovery leave.
The Martinez incident has reignited debates about the exaggerated responses to minor injuries in soccer, with some calling for new rules that classify paper cuts under “non-reportable injuries” unless accompanied by visible bloodshed.
Despite the ridicule, Martinez’s agent assured fans that the player is in high spirits and plans to use his downtime to “reflect on life’s fragility” and perhaps invest in some more durable paper-handling gloves.
