WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning display of culinary paranoia, 2024 presidential candidate Donald J. Trump has reportedly fired six chefs in as many weeks for the “inappropriate resemblance” their burgers bore to the McDonald’s® Big Mac™. The former president, who famously declared himself a “very stable genius,” claims he is above indulging in such “common fare” but harbors an intense aversion to being associated with former President Bill Clinton, notorious for his love of the iconic double-decker burger.
Sources within Trump’s campaign kitchen revealed that his culinary demands are as bizarre as they are specific. He insists on burgers made with a “precisely calculated ratio” of ground beef, cheese, pickles, and special sauce – ingredients remarkably similar to those found in the McDonald’s® Big Mac™. However, the former president mandates that these burger abominations look nothing like their fast-food inspiration.
“He wants the taste,” said one former chef, speaking anonymously for fear of retribution, “but not the look. He says it’s all about maintaining ‘brand integrity,’ whatever that means.”
The chefs were reportedly forced to undergo rigorous training sessions involving obscure burger construction techniques and “alternative aesthetic” presentations. One chef described a particularly grueling session where they were tasked with creating burgers resembling “a flattened, vaguely spherical meatball” or a “rustic, open-faced patty.”
“He kept yelling about ‘breaking the mold’ and ‘disrupting the paradigm,’” the anonymous chef continued. “But all I saw was a man terrified of being caught with a Big Mac™ in his hands.”
The former president’s obsession has reportedly spread to other aspects of campaign cuisine, with rumors circulating that he is demanding “non-Big Mac™-like” versions of french fries and milkshakes as well. He also allegedly maintains a blacklist of fast food chains, including McDonald’s®, Burger King®, and Wendy’s® – though his aides insist this list is purely for “national security reasons” involving potential foreign influence.
Critics have labeled Trump’s burger ban as an example of his “delusional fear” and a testament to his “unhinged obsession with image.” Political pundits speculate that the former president’s culinary antics are a desperate attempt to distinguish himself from former presidents, particularly Bill Clinton, whom he frequently demonizes for his fondness of fast food.
“This isn’t just about burgers,” stated political analyst Susan Estrich. “It’s about control, image, and a deep-seated fear of being perceived as ‘common.’ Trump wants to be seen as above it all, even when it comes to something as basic as a burger.”
